birth & adoptive
mom relations

If you think buying a card for your Mother-In Law is hard, try buying one for your child’s birth mother. Not gonna happen. Why? Because so many people are unsure of how to have a relationship between the birth mom and adoptive mom. Open adoption is becoming more normal but there are still a lot of questions and a feeling of uneasiness around navigating this relationship.

We understand there are MANY dimensions to this relationship and not all situations are set up or even healthy to have such close relations. If you do have some connection and are unsure where to begin to develop a closer relationship with her, we have a few ideas!

We look at this relationship as one that would be served well with love. “We love because God first loved us” like the gospel of John says.

But what if the birth mom isn’t easy to love & she doesn’t work well with us?

Reread James 3:18 above. I love that verse. Notice, it DOESN’T say, a harvest of “peace” is sown in peace. No, it says a harvest of RIGHTEOUSNESS! That is so freeing, my friend! Why? Because it shows that even when we try to make peace, like we are called to do, it doesn’t matter if the other person also tries to make peace as well…we still get a harvest of righteousness! And righteousness can be defined as “conformity and purity of heart and life to the Divine Law.” I’ll take that over relational human peace any day.

This is the only time in life when you reap what you did not sow. Naturally, whatever you sow is what you reap. If you plant an apple seed, you get an apple tree. But in God’s economy He knows that it takes 2 people to have mutual peace and thus He rewards the person who is seeking peace with a Harvest of Righteousness. What a return on investment!

But what if it isn’t healthy or safe to be so involved with the birth mom?

I would ask, are your motives for staying away coming from fear? We are not to live in a spirit of fear (2 Tim 1:7) because “perfect love casts out fear”. It is hard to love someone AND be fearful of them. And unconditional love could be just the thing to soften her heart and change her life! Is she willing and able to talk with you? If so, use whatever the Lord allows to love her well. That could mean, buy her a cup of coffee and send her a nice note of gratitude to show you care about her as a person. If you love your child, that she birthed, you do that child well to love his/her birth mom well, to the best of your ability.

We sought to honor & love Stephanie, not so we could get her baby, but because “God first loved us”.  I’ve never loved someone well and regretted it. If at all possible, I think we are “better together”!