belonging.

“Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God.”  ~1 Peter 2:17

Let’s pretend for a moment that whenever a couple gets married we no longer refer to their spouse as their husband/wife but instead keep referring to them as their boyfriend/girlfriend!!

“So, how was the honeymoon with your boyfriend?”

“I now pronounce you…BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND, you may kiss your girlfriend!”

That would be crazy, right?  The joy of the day for that new bride is hearing the preacher say, “I now pronounce you Husband and Wife”!

Our titles mean something to us.  They create a sense of belonging.  I belong to him now, as his wife.

In an adoption relationship, the titles used for Birth Mom and Mom can either create a sense of belonging for the child or can create a sense of confusion.   For instance, when someone asks me “how is Kaylee’s Mom?” I often will respond with a smile and say, “Great! I had the best latte today and it started my morning off strong!”  I know they meant to ask how her Birth Mom was. But out of respect for everyone in the relationship, Kaylee mostly, I refer to myself as her Mom and Stephanie as her Birth Mom. Because she belongs with Me.  I am her Mom.  And I will fight for that title to be used properly every time as that creates confidence, safety, and belonging for Kaylee.

Something I love about Stephanie is how often she will purposely call me Kaylee’s Mom. She will often say,  “Oh, she’s fussy!  She wants her Mommy!”  It creates confidence for me as I know Stephanie is secure in her decision of deciding where Kaylee belongs. It respects my role as Kaylee’s Mom and it also respects Kaylee by showing her that she belongs with us!

As the Birth Mom, the baby once belonged to her.  She fought for that baby’s life and carefully allowed that baby to be formed inside her womb.  And she chose, with great effort, a new place for that baby/child to belong.

As the Mom, she deserves the respect of her new title and the JOY of hearing the correct title given her of Mom.  She isn’t the second Mom, she is the child’s Mother.  The baby now belongs to the Mom forever and it gives the relationship the respect it is due to call that child’s Mom, Mom!

As the child, he/she deserves to hear the words of “Mom” and feel the joy of knowing she belongs in this family.

So, as Mother’s Day rolls around…think twice before speaking.  Make sure you’re giving the proper respect to each person that shows your belief in their belonging.  Just like you wouldn’t call a newly married woman a girlfriend, don’t call a Birth Mom a child’s “real mom”, “mom”, or “actual mom.”  Choose words that show the child belongs where they are, in their forever family.